Frustration and the Future

I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Every M/W/F/Sat I get up, get dressed, put on my fake smile and go to work. Where I feel stupid, unappreciated, and not myself. I look at my job as acting for 4 hours a day. I act for my bosses, I act for the customers, I act for myself. I tell myself it's not THAT bad (and really it isn't after working at a VERY WELL KNOWN home retail chain here in Huntsville and was basically I could work whenever if I sucked dick...seriously...) and that it's for a few more months then J will work and I can quit...but I'm not in la la land...I will not be able to quit. The economy is shit and we both need to be working. And it's not the working that's the problem, I want to work, I want to have MY OWN money (yes, I know, it's our money, but I don't want to have to feel like I have to ask to buy a purse or shoes, even though I know Jason would never say no...).

I'm going to school to get a degree- which I think means as much as the card stock it's printed on. But in the mean time, I hate my job. I hate the nasty customers we get. And I feel like a bit of my soul dies each time I put on that apron and ugly gaucho pants.

As for the future, I see my friends with kids and how happy they are and they have cute little complete families and I want that. Jason and I have decided to wait until after I finish my degree to try to have kids because its the "smart" and "responsible" thing to do. Which I agree with, however, don't people go to school to get their degrees and get jobs that pay well? I have a job that pays well. And the hours are great. I just know that I will not be complete inside until Jason and I are married and we have kids. As lame as that sounds.

I wish October 30th 2009 would get here already.