Frustration and the Future

I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Every M/W/F/Sat I get up, get dressed, put on my fake smile and go to work. Where I feel stupid, unappreciated, and not myself. I look at my job as acting for 4 hours a day. I act for my bosses, I act for the customers, I act for myself. I tell myself it's not THAT bad (and really it isn't after working at a VERY WELL KNOWN home retail chain here in Huntsville and was basically I could work whenever if I sucked dick...seriously...) and that it's for a few more months then J will work and I can quit...but I'm not in la la land...I will not be able to quit. The economy is shit and we both need to be working. And it's not the working that's the problem, I want to work, I want to have MY OWN money (yes, I know, it's our money, but I don't want to have to feel like I have to ask to buy a purse or shoes, even though I know Jason would never say no...).

I'm going to school to get a degree- which I think means as much as the card stock it's printed on. But in the mean time, I hate my job. I hate the nasty customers we get. And I feel like a bit of my soul dies each time I put on that apron and ugly gaucho pants.

As for the future, I see my friends with kids and how happy they are and they have cute little complete families and I want that. Jason and I have decided to wait until after I finish my degree to try to have kids because its the "smart" and "responsible" thing to do. Which I agree with, however, don't people go to school to get their degrees and get jobs that pay well? I have a job that pays well. And the hours are great. I just know that I will not be complete inside until Jason and I are married and we have kids. As lame as that sounds.

I wish October 30th 2009 would get here already.

All that Fancy Booklernin'

Today, at work, a fellow server told me that she overheard one of her tables talking about how people that go to Calhoun CC have no intention of finishing their degrees or really want to learn.

That made us both angry. She being a fellow Calhoun student who has taken a hiatus but has every intention of finishing and myself who went there for 4 semesters, and is only a few semesters away from finishing and Jason who went there first when he started back at school and has now JUST finished his last class at Faulkner and graduating in December.

I'm sorry that I don't have the money to go to a fancy 4 year college for all 4 years. Calhoun offers the same classes that UAH/AandM/UNA/Faulkner/Etc... offer and for much cheaper and frankly, I enjoyed my time at Calhoun more than I enjoyed UNA, and I haven't really been at UAH long enough to tell.

I was just angry that she made a generalization about me, my friends, my family. Sure, there are 2 year degrees at Calhoun but those are like Nursing and important things like that.

And she just assumes that because this server and I are servers we obviously haven't gone to college. Aren't in college. Don't have plans to finish college. Most servers are either in school and paying for it by serving or have graduated and the money is so good, they can't leave.

And who are you to judge me lady, I'm in school AND working my way through it. And you, you're sitting at someone's table for HOURS on a workday...why aren't you working? Did you finish school? Whore.

::stepping off my soap box now::

"Have I mentioned today, how lucky I am, to be in love with you?"

Long time, No blog.

"Harvey's over, "Rocky" has started. Excited more each day to start "Liz". I've realized that there are alot of people out there that underestimate ME all I have to say to that is Wait and see. Wait and see how fucking awesome "Liz" is going to be....it'll be better than your show, that's for damn sure.

J and I returned from Disney safely- he didn't kill any small children so it was a success. It was reassuring to see that so much of my family loves J and sees in J what I do and cannot wait for us to get married.

It's still a weird thing to grasp- marriage. Not that I don't want to marry Jason but it's an unknown territory. I've never been married before (duh!) and how different will it make things? Other than changing my name and tax stuff, the typical things you hear about marriage and your life (intimacy and otherwise) being over, I think that that's crap. My life will just begin when I marry Jason. I am so excited. I wish October 30th 2009 would just get here already.

Speaking of Jason, I'm alone again this weekend. Well, just for the better part of this evening. He got a free ticket to the Alabama game and how could I say her couldn't go. He was so excited. It's ok. I think I'll go and get some mac and cheese to make my homemade mac and cheese and maybe some eggs to make french toast tomorrow morning...breakfast in bed with the man I love...anything better?

My job still sucks asshole but hanging out with 2 of the women I work with and the conversations we had today made me realize why I've stayed there. And the money's not bad either.

I'm worried about that Hurricane Ike hitting my mom and family there as a Cat 4. I wish they'd just move here. I really do miss them.

I've been obsessed with "The Last 5 Years" lately. It's all I listen to. It's what I warm up to on the way to "Rocky", I sleep to it. I do homework to it. It's beautiful and it makes me wish I could sing as well as Nina DeBanta did.

That's about all for now. This was a pretty random post but I felt the need to talk and the cats aren't too responsive.

Daughter knows best

So yesterday, I called my dad and told him I had registered for Fall classes.

Anyone who really knows me knows that my dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye.

Well, when I called him yesterday he said that he was going to come by my work today and give me 200 bucks for books.

Well today, waking up, I try to not think about it all day. I keep checking the clock, waiting for 1pm because that's when he said he was going to show.

My tables all cleared out and I was cleaned up and cashed out by 1ish.

I sat down and talked with Deanna and Deb for a while and around 1:30-1:45, I decided I wasn't going to wait anymore.

I go back to the kitchen, grab and Coke and walk to leave when I hear my dad.

He was there, late but there.

He gave me the 200 bucks which really helped me with my books and we went to Rosie's for lunch.

As my wedding approaches and the thought of children gets closer and closer, I realize that not only do I need my dad in my life at this point but I want him to be. But he needs to want to, or its all for nothing.

He says he wants to be active in the wedding planning and I'll let him, I just hope it's not setting me up for another disappointment.

That's a chance I'm going to take. I'm just glad that I am breaking that cycle. My mom didn't have a dad, I didn't have a dad, but my kids will. Jason is going to be the best father and (god forbid) if anything happened between us, I know he wouldn't ditch his children.

I'm going to let him back in. And when he disappoints again (because he will) I'll be just as upset.
But that's fathers and daughters.

Here comes the Bride???

So today, while Jason had class, I decided to drive and try on (REPEAT: TRY ON) wedding dresses. I figured "I have over a year", "There's plenty of time", "I'll just go look and see what looks good on me", "I'm too fat to be really thinking about it now", etc, etc.

So I go.

I tell Breanna, my dress consultant that I am just looking. She says she understands and that it's good I am starting now.

I try about 3 (well, 3 good ones at least, the other were U.G.L.Y.)

And she tells me to try on this really pretty halter.

So I do.

Tears.

I ask to see it with a sash (because I want a sash).

And I do.

More tears.

She asks if I want to see it with a veil.

I say "Sure"

Bawling.

I have a wedding dress.

It's on hold. Jason's mom is going with me next weekend so I can get another opinion.

I just can't believe it....I have a wedding dress. For my wedding. To the most wonderful man in the world. And I do not deserve him. I'm just hoping he never realizes it, that he's too good for me. Because without him, I fall apart. He's my everything.

And I am going to marry him and have tiny him's and we'll live happily ever after.


-Sam

In case you were wondering:
PICTURES!!!!


Ignore the pink thing. My sash is black satin and the bow goes behind all the way to the end of the dress and it has a really pretty beading in it.
That's my veil. It's elbow length and has black satin trim to match the black satin cummerbund style sash around my waist. And it's tiered so I can use one of those as the blusher.


And the best part...no train AND it's long enough and Jason is shorter than me so I can wear flip flops. Ghetto? Yes! Comfortable? YES!!!!

Summer

It's finally July.

I wish I didn't have to work today...or tomorrow. Or for the summer. I've got the fever. And we have a pool, those two don't mix. Sam: just keep telling yourself, today and tomorrow then off until Monday. The two weekends until FORT LAUDERDALE. Beach, family, mom's food. CANNOT WAIT!!!

Seriously...is it Sunday yet???? (There could be some TMI in this post)

I'm having a hard time with seeing customers at work as dollar bills and not people. There are regulars who come in who are probably (I say PROBABLY) perfectly nice people but no one wants them because they hog your table for an hour, guzzle coffee, and leave a dollar. Is it just me? My fellow servers, chime in, I'd love your opinion.

Made crap at work because it was a crap day. But it looks like, according to the books, that tomorrow and Saturday should be busy. It's all an Ebb and Flow.

I feel like shit today. My back hurts. I'm so tired. I took a break this month from by birth control and WHAT A MISTAKE. Worse than ever. And for somebody that's had Endomitriosis, that's hard to actually surprise me with pain. I'm so used to it by now. I just hope it ends soon. I may rip out my lady parts through my nose if it continues.

I think Jason may be feeling a little better today. I haven't seen him much so I can't tell. He was angry this morning but I think that was mostly the cats and the fact we didn't have any creamer. He is so happy about going and visiting Pete in August. And he is so excited for Fort Lauderdale and Disney. I'm just glad that he has things to look forward to when he gets down.

I think I may do some laundry and go to sleep early tonight, Jason has "Harvey" tonight and I don't so, a bed all to myself sounds pretty good right about now.

Hope this finds everyone well.